I love the novelty of new things. Always have. I thought that I was simply a woman who gets bored very easily but recently it dawned on me that the reason that I love change so much, is that I’m not willing to commit to anything. I’ve always strongly disliked feeling trapped and I’ve now realised that I’m afraid of becoming trapped due to poor decision making. Of course then it’s easier to not commit to anything, but I wasn’t even aware of the fact that I wasn’t committing. It was quite a revelation.
I never stay long in the same place. The last few years I haven’t had many belongings because they make me feel tied down. I didn’t go to uni because I couldn’t bring myself to commit to a subject for several years and I also didn’t want to commit to a never-ending student loan repayment plan. I change jobs often because I’m afraid that I’ll end up working in the same place forever. I’ve re-invented my personal style and adopted new personas so many times that I’ve lost count. I can’t commit to creative projects for too long because as soon as they’re not challenging anymore, I move on to something that is. I’m passionate about something for a while and then I find something else to be passionate about.
Frankly, I’m not good at committing to relationships or friendships either. I don’t let people get too close to me emotionally because I don’t want them to be able to hurt me. I know, it’s ridiculous. What’s even more ridiculous is that I do commit to people who are not available, e.g. friends who end up moving to the other end of the world or men who are unwilling to commit to a relationship. I’m still not completely OK with the fact that my parents divorced when I was 12, and I believe that being the product of a broken home is the reason why I’m so independent. It’s also the reason why I don’t let myself become too attached to people who are within reach.
So it appears that I have unconsciously designed my life like this because I have a pathological need to be able to move on from things when I get bored, to leave before I’m left behind. I cherish my freedom but at the same time, I miss having something that I can rely on. My 30th Birthday was a massive turning point and I’m determined to learn how to commit to the people and things that I genuinely do want in my life. I’m at a crossroads right now and I can feel a shape shift coming on. I’m slowly changing how I dress and I’m selling off my belongings again. I have so many different ideas at the moment. I don’t have it all figured out yet but that’s not a reason to not move forward.
The irony of this blog post is that I’ve decided to take a break from blogging to be able to fully focus on a creative soon-to-be-announced project and everything else that’s going on in my life right now. Don’t fret, I will be back before you know it and I might blog every now and then if inspiration strikes. See, I can’t even commit to not blogging for a while! I’ll still be on all other social media though and you can always send me an email.
The title of this post is a quote by the master shape shifter himself, David Bowie.