The True Sea

The human mind, old films, literature and podcasts.

I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring

9 Comments

Sixties Vintage Fabric Bright Rainbow Pom-Pom Tassel Scarf by Chiaki Creates chiakicreates.comI love the novelty of new things. Always have. I thought that I was simply a woman who gets bored very easily but recently it dawned on me that the reason that I love change so much, is that I’m not willing to commit to anything. I’ve always strongly disliked feeling trapped and I’ve now realised that I’m afraid of becoming trapped due to poor decision making. Of course then it’s easier to not commit to anything, but I wasn’t even aware of the fact that I wasn’t committing. It was quite a revelation.

I never stay long in the same place. The last few years I haven’t had many belongings because they make me feel tied down. I didn’t go to uni because I couldn’t bring myself to commit to a subject for several years and I also didn’t want to commit to a never-ending student loan repayment plan. I change jobs often because I’m afraid that I’ll end up working in the same place forever. I’ve re-invented my personal style and adopted new personas so many times that I’ve lost count. I can’t commit to creative projects for too long because as soon as they’re not challenging anymore, I move on to something that is. I’m passionate about something for a while and then I find something else to be passionate about.

Frankly, I’m not good at committing to relationships or friendships either. I don’t let people get too close to me emotionally because I don’t want them to be able to hurt me. I know, it’s ridiculous. What’s even more ridiculous is that I do commit to people who are not available, e.g. friends who end up moving to the other end of the world or men who are unwilling to commit to a relationship. I’m still not completely OK with the fact that my parents divorced when I was 12, and I believe that being the product of a broken home is the reason why I’m so independent. It’s also the reason why I don’t let myself become too attached to people who are within reach.

So it appears that I have unconsciously designed my life like this because I have a pathological need to be able to move on from things when I get bored, to leave before I’m left behind. I cherish my freedom but at the same time, I miss having something that I can rely on. My 30th Birthday was a massive turning point and I’m determined to learn how to commit to the people and things that I genuinely do want in my life. I’m at a crossroads right now and I can feel a shape shift coming on. I’m slowly changing how I dress and I’m selling off my belongings again. I have so many different ideas at the moment. I don’t have it all figured out yet but that’s not a reason to not move forward.

The irony of this blog post is that I’ve decided to take a break from blogging to be able to fully focus on a creative soon-to-be-announced project and everything else that’s going on in my life right now. Don’t fret, I will be back before you know it and I might blog every now and then if inspiration strikes. See, I can’t even commit to not blogging for a while! I’ll still be on all other social media though and you can always send me an email.

The title of this post is a quote by the master shape shifter himself, David Bowie.­

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9 thoughts on “I don’t know where I’m going from here, but I promise it won’t be boring

  1. This entry speaks to me on so many levels – I also have trouble committing to certain things and I get bored easily, not just hobbies but friendships and places. My parents separated when I was 12 too and I never thought of it but it’s probably why I sometimes keep my friends at a distance. Thank you for sharing this, it somehow helps/feels good to know that I’m not the only one out there going through similar revelations :) Can’t wait to see what your new project is about!

    • I’m so glad to hear that it speaks to you! Although I’m sorry to hear that you have the same “issues”! ;) Yes, I get bored with everything and everyone as well. It’s terrible! I think being a child of divorce shapes you in so many ways. And you like me were at a sensitive age when your parents separated. I was quite worried about posting this but I figured that there must be people who can relate and that’s always a good thing. :) I’m glad it’s made you feel good. Thank you so much! I can’t wait to announce it!

  2. I am the exact. same. way. And I also recently made the same realization! It’s a really fine line for me between embracing change in a healthy way and “running” from further commitment. I am so so happy for you that you have made these realizations and you’re on the path to figuring some things out! Have a rejuvenating blog break!

  3. Good luck with your next project – sounds exciting! And for what it’s worth, I think that you are brave to constantly keep moving forward rather than settling for what you have because of fear of the unknown – “better the devil you know”. I’m much more in the latter category, as are most people I think, and wish I could be more like the drivers and strivers of this world – like you!

    • Thank you so much, my lovely! Yes, I think most people are of that category as well. Maybe together we could strike a balance somehow.
      Your “Thinking Hard Thoughts” post really resonated with me. I wanted to comment but frankly, I didn’t even know where to begin! I’m struggling to let go of making things that don’t bring in enough money as well, and I’m also redefining what I do. Most of the people in my life seem to be questioning their work at the moment. Must be something in the air. I wish you the best of luck with your next adventure!

  4. Oh, should have checked your blog earlier. This post also speaks to me very much, children of divorce raise your hand! I didn’t know this about myself until very recently (looks like your post comes at the right moment for quite a few of your readers) it’s making me doubt things that I know are good and make me happy. I hope you have a lot of fun and success in your creative projects! Happiness is the one rule to live by :)

    • I’m delightfully surprised by the response it generated, here as well as on other social media. Yay for children of divorce! ;) Yes, it does seem like a lot of people have only recently realised that they have commitment issues. First step is to acknowledge it though so we’re all on the right path! :) Thank you so much, Nol!

  5. Pingback: Conquering My Trust and Commitment Issues | Chiaki

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